Mega-Prison: Breaking News from the parallel universe


by Stephen Hammond from the future

After consulting with the public concerning the new Kemptville prison, and given the increasing criminal activity across Ontario, Queen’s Park has decided to expand the prison from a 120-inmate facility to one that can house 12,000. This will create 100 times more jobs than the amount proposed in August 2020. The residents of Kemptville must accept this as a done deal because, well, the province owns the land and can do what it wants with it.

It was decreed that a nuclear power plant will be built alongside the prison to provide electricity to run the 24 hour guard tower lights and for the general requirements of the facility. To increase provincial revenue, the province signed a contract with various foreign governments and Ontario Hydro to create a secure nuclear material storage site next to the nuclear plant. As BIA members chanted “jobs, jobs, jobs” at today’s press conference, all members of council and the mayor spoke with one voice and said, “we have to look at the silver lining of this important infrastructure project, and the uranium and plutonium lining too.” The province and council reminded the public that, well, the province owns the land and can do what it wants with it.

As a reward for cooperating with the provincial government, council members have been granted free prison passes for life, and will become honorary prison guards as well as prison riot swat team reservists, with special training in de-escalation and signalling the retreat.

To address the security concerns of the community, a special federal waiver was granted to the municipality so that it could raise its own militia. No expense was too great to provide protection for the community, so a deal was made with Russia to purchase a tank division of 300 surplus soviet era heavy tanks. There were questions from the public concerning the effect of tank tracks on road and bridge infrastructure, but these concerns were resolved by the new permanent covid lockdown. Since the new lockdown did not permit anyone to leave their homes, roads would not be required by residents anyway.

The economic benefits of the tank division include 1,500 new municipal employees to crew the tanks, and also the extra boost to local garages for all the repairs needed to keep the tanks operational. Advice was accepted from the Canadian Army as they had quite a bit of experience with obsolete military hardware. There is also the benefit of better tax collection enforcement, coming from a new bylaw titled, “We’ll run over your house with a tank if you don’t pay your property taxes.” Property tax collection became an issue once the province decreed that the prison and nuclear plant costs, including the new $50 million prison sewage plant, would be the municipality’s responsibility. Council reminded the public that, well, the municipality is a creature of the province and they can do what they want with it.



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